Wednesday, May 03, 2006
i finally had the courage last night! i guess i made the right decision. i hesitated for a few days, thinking if i shd sms him before he goes to db, which is the same as prison according to him. he still did not tell me when he's gg in, despite askin him several times. shan't probe further, since it certainly didn't feel gd to be reminded of it, and saying it. anyways, why did i hesitate abt smsing him? cos i'm scared.. i'm afraid of his 'cold' replies. it's just not...him. or rather the past him. i'm so glad i did it anyway cos' we chatted via sms for 2 long hours.
my 1st sms: "hello. how're you?"
his reply: "i'm still alive. so late still haven't slpt?" (i guess i'm easily contented cos' that simple qns of him had already touched me)
my 2nd sms: "i know, of cos. i meant, wat ya doing nowadays?"
his reply: "giving tuition, distributing flyers and still very much active in jw stuff. ask you a personal qns. are you attached?" (that qns shocked me)
my 3rd reply: " no, i'm not. been single for four years. are you?" (at this point in time, i'm afraid of the answer that he'd give me. for a moment, i had this silly thought of not reading his sms anymore, but i still found the courage to continue reading it)
his reply: "physically, emotionally, or spritually?"
my 4th reply: "physically and emotionally, cos i know spritually, ur attached to ur relig."
his reply: "haha jw is a religion. i'm attached to a god named ......(*censored*) not planning to think abt such things till i'm older. why are you still single?"
my 5th reply: "haven't found the right one. ur fault that i met you earlier. the guys i met aren't even close to ur 'standard'."
his reply: "stop rejecting people, lower your standard den you'll be happier. from the few short years i know you, you are not one who can survive without friends and a personal companion :)" (thanks jos.. for remembering me this way.)
my 6th reply: erm.. i forgot. didn't save my sent msges u see.
his reply: "ya know, sometimes we just have to learn to let go... my standard very poor one. i will pray for you to be able to forget such unhappy past ok" (thanks for your prayer, jos.)
my 7th reply: "thanks for ur prayer. appreciate it. so when're you going in?(3rd/4th time askin it)"
his reply: "i'm not gg ****..."
my 8th reply: "i know.. i know of a place that you go. a guyfriend of mine called and told me abt it. is it 2 or 3 years? u know, i hesitated alot whether to sms you or not, cos i'm scared of your 'cold' replies but i was thinking.. if i don't do so, i'm afraid i won't have the chance to."
his reply: "39 months. do you know why i'm trying to avoid you? have you ever wondered?" (reminded me of the song "have you ever" by s club 7. yet another shocking qns.)
my 9th reply: "cos of ur parents, ur religion and that you want me to forget you completely?"
his reply: "cos i want you to forget me and move on. i don't want to give you any false impressions that we might be together someday." (thanks again.. i know ur doing all this for my sake. but that's not the way to do it jos. u'd be making me more miserable. the more you do this, the more i miss you.. do u know that?)
my reply: ".... (i forgot some of my sms contents) can't we even be friends? pls don't deprive me of being friends with you."
his reply: "what good would ever become of our friendship? as long as you're not married, it's very tough for us to be friends. it's human nature" (can't you give me more time to let go of you? to forget you is impossible. i don't believe you've forgotten me and our past and memories, no matter how hard you've tried to avoid me, say hurtful things to make me get over you..)
my reply: " (forgot some of the sms contents) pls don't even deprive this chance of being friends with you. no matter what you do to make me forget you, it's impossible. i won't forget you.. but i'll let go of you."
his reply: "i hope you understand my feelings for you are dead. i'm not perfect. we were young and foolish den. ah i rem you're the only one to call me jos" (yup.. thanks for remembering this jos. i'm the one who started calling him 'jos' cos joseph+yvonne(six alphabets) = jos+von(three alphabets and there's an 'o' in the middle) i always thought our names are very very compatible.)
my reply: "no. i don't think we were young and foolish back then. (forgot some of the sms contents again)" (don't even say that jos.. cos that's not true.)
his reply: "after i come out of prison, i won't contact you anymore."
my reply: "why? dont deprive me of our friendship. don't do that to me.. ur cruel."
...(forgot the contents of the replies in btw...)...
his reply: "what exactly can't you forget abt me ah? i'm quite curious."
my long reply: "everythn abt you boy. our memories..the 1st time you held my hand, our 1st kiss and hug, 'all abt you' and 'sugar rush' that you sang to me, our teasings of one another, i used to call you 'oppa', our 'wrestling game' during camp, the camp itself, ur embarrassed look when our teeth knocked when we kissed, the "indian pop songs", when i was angry seeing cindy zhang talking to you, your brown eyes, your thick eyebrow, the way you played basketball and soccer, the time when you were angry with me and rejected my calls, the movie 'a walk to rem' we watched tog, every thur we'd sit by the tv and watched the A.I.M.H korean show, our jog at bedok res and i embarrassed you by calling you 'daddy' loudly while holding your hand etc."
his reply: "haha that's interesting eh" (i wonder if he really meant it.. the 'haha' part. and is it really that interesting to him? are you laughing cos' u think it's ludicrous to remember so much after 4 years? or laughing because you're glad that i rem? or is ur laughter a 'disguise' of ur sadness...?)
my reply: "it's impossible to forget you jos, our memories and past. (forgot some the sms contents)"
his reply: "yup impossible to forget. but have to let go. sleep early don't think too much. gd night" (i hope when you agree with me that it's impossible to forget, it means you haven't forgotten them and will nv forget them. good night to you too, joseph.)
my reply: "yup i'll slp early. you too. gd nite. promise me that we'd still be friends. don't do that to me." (he didn't reply. hopefully, it's a deal.)
i'll let go of you. i promise. but i won't forget our past and our memories.
i wonder what's become of us after 39 months....
One of the songs from our most unforgettable and memorable movie "a walk to remember"...
Perfect song for me right at this moment...
Cry - Mandy Moore
I’ll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended so soon
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
And I was changed
Chorus
In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realized that forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
It was late september
And I’d seen you before
You were always the cold one
But I was never that sure
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed
Chorus
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right
I’ll always remember...
It was late afternoon
Another song from the movie...
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that
You have for me over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
other songs from the same movie...
It's gonna be love - Mandy Moore
It's gonna be me baby
It's gonna be you baby
Time I've been patient for so long
How can I pretend to be so strong?
Looking at you baby
Feeling it too baby
If I'm asking you to hold me tight then it's gonna be all right
[Chorus]
It's gonna be Love
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be more then I can take
It's gonna be free
It's gonna be real
It's gonna change everything I feel
It's gonna be sad
It's gonna be true
It's gonna be me baby
It's gonna be you baby
It's gonna be...Its gonna be Love
Time am I restless or a fool?
How can you pretend to be so cruel?
Maybe it's me baby
Maybe it's true baby
Maybe it's everything were dreaming of
We waited long enough
[Chorus]
It's gonna be Love
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be more then I can take
It's gonna be free
It's gonna be real
It's gonna change everything I feel
It's gonna be sad
It's gonna be true
It's gonna be your the one to do
It's gonna be me baby
It's gonna be you baby
[Backup singers] The sooner you let two hearts beat together
The sooner you know this love is forever
[Mandy] It's gonna be love
[Backup Singers] Love needs time now or never
[Mandy] Its gonna be love
[Backup Singers] You really got to believe
[Both] it's gonna be strong enough
[Chorus]
It's gonna be Love
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be more then I can take
It's gonna be free
It's gonna be real
It's gonna change everything I feel
It's gonna be sad
It's gonna be true
It's gonna be your the one to do
It's gonna be hard
It's gonna be tough
It's gonna be more then just enough
It's gonna be Love
It's gonna be Love
It's gonna be sad
It's gonna be true
It's gonna be me baby
It's gonna be you baby
It's gonna be me baby
It's gonna be you
It's gonna be real
It's gonna be love
Someday we'll know - Mandy Moore (feat. Jonathan Foreman)
[Mandy] Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind
[Jonathan] Whatever happened to Amelia Earheart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
[Both] Did the captain of the Titanic cry?
Oh, Someday we'll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
[Mandy] Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
[Jonathan] Or what the wind says when she cries?
[Mandy] I'm speeding by the place that I met you
[Both] For the ninety-seventh time...Tonight
Someday we'll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Dalilah?
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you....
[Both] Open up the world
[Mandy] I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
[Jonathan] Watched the stars crash in the sea
[Mandy] If I can ask God just one question
[Both] Why aren't you here with me tonight?
Oh, Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we'll know
[Mandy] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you... Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Someday we'll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Dalilah
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you....
sensitive,emotional & sentimental; [ 3:40 PM ]